19 – WTF? WTF? WTF!

Poem number 19
The world went fucking mad today
I really don’t know what to say
I watched all night and muttered sadly
Watched his speech and giggled madly
Surely, surely it’s a joke
That they have picked this nutty bloke
To hold the nukes and keep the peace
Please wake me up, I need release
But no. It’s not a joke or trick
This total madman was their pick,
Four years now to hide and cower,
What a night. Our darkest hour?


123 – OnOffOnOffGone

Poem number 123
I switched the light switch on again
The Devil was still there
I switched the light switch off again
Could smell his cordite hair
I switched the light switch on again
He flashed his pointy teeth
He switched the light switch off again
And dragged me down beneath.

130 – Turdface

Poem number 130

Bugger off you rancid fart
Your face is made of dough
Your ears are shrivelled, sweaty
And I really wish you’d go
If I’d wanted life insurance
I’d have purchased it online
Not bought it off the doorstep
From a tramp who smells of wine,
Go away. Get out. Piss off
And that’s my final word –
Sell your bollocks somewhere else
You nauseating turd.


171 – Plus Le Diner

Poem number 171
Plus Le Diner
I’ve just thrown up my dinner
It was better first time round
But at least I’m slightly thinner
Now it’s splattered on the ground.


258 – We Hates It!

Poem number 258
We Hates It!
Mary Berry, on a ferry
Eating curds and whey
Along came a seagull
That thought it was Smeagol
And took all her dinner away!
“My Preciousss” it cried
“Nasty Berrys’s lied
She promised us fishes all raw
Like Hobbits, she cheatses
And hides all her meatses
But we gets her back, makes her sore!”
“We takes all her curdses
And feeds it to birdses
We leads her to Mordor instead
That filthy old sneaky
We pecks with our beaky
Until nasty Berrys’s dead!”


272 – The Killing

Poem number 272
The Killing
The muted crunch of carapace
The skin that splits unheard
The silent ooze of leaking flesh:
A murder has occurred.
The booted foot of malice
Is the weaponry du jour
A stamp. A grind. A pivot
‘Til the victim is no more
There’ll be no trial or punishment
No twenty years in jail
No justice for the gastropod
I’m glad I’m not a snail.