4 – Priorities

Poem number 4
A girl with no boobs in her bra
Said “A flat chest is better by far,
‘Cause golf is my thing –
Boobs would hamper my swing
And I’d never get round under par!”


16 – Avocado Aversion

Poem number 16
Avocado Aversion
I don’t buy avocados
There’s very little point
They take too long to ripen
And they’re sure to disappoint
The stone is far too massive
And removing it’s a sod
The skin is quite unpleasant
And the flesh tastes slightly odd
So keep your avocados
They’re disgusting, hard to chew
Prunes are much more tasty
And they regulate your poo.

17 – Hair Today

Poem number 17
Hair Today
You’ve no hair. Do you care
That your head is shiny pink?
Do you wish that things were different
Whilst you sip your evening drink?
Do you dream of flowing tresses
Just like Samson,when you see
Your reflection in the mirror
In the bathroom whilst you wee?
Do you spread your head with lotion
In the morning when you rise
In the hope that by the evening
You’ll have hair down to your eyes?
Well console yourself good fellow
There’s an upside to your down
For though you’ve got no plumage
Just a dimpled mottled crown
You will never suffer dandruff
And you haven’t any lice
You’ll never need a dryer
Just a towelling will suffice,
You’ll shave off precious seconds
From your morning wash routine –
You’ll catch the bus whilst others
Are still struggling to get clean.
The wind won’t spoil your image
And the rain will bounce away
You’ll never have to worry
That your temple’s going grey
But best of all, dear baldie
Now your tree is just a stump
You can wear a stupid toupe
And pretend you’re Donald Trump!

76 – The Wee Small Hours

Poem number 76
The Wee Small Hours
The wee emerges from my dick
It travels at a frightful lick
To hurl itself at the urinal
Cascades down and then a final
Gurgle, as it drains away
The wee is gone! Hip hip hooray!
The chore is done. My night’s my own
Until another hour has flown
And brought me back again, to here
To wee away the pints of beer
‘Twas ever thus, is ever this
Another round, another piss.

82 – Eh Oh Tinky Winky

Poem number 82
Eh Oh Tinky Winky
My sister pulled a Tellytubby
On a drunken night
Then suddenly got very chubby –
Something wasn’t right
So we took her to a private doc
Who only charged a tenner,
The ultrasound was quite a shock:
Quadruplets with antennae!
My sister fainted clean away
Her future ruined, lost!
Four Telly-babies on the way
At heaven knows what cost.
And for what? A slightly kinky
Half an hour of drunken sex
With a pissed up Tinky Winky
On the rebound from his ex.
So let that be a warning
To you ladies of the gin
Lest you wake one headache morning
With quadruplets hid within –
Don’t be tempted by the weenies
Of those Tellytubby boys,
Just stick to shagging Tweenies
Or, perhaps, just stick to toys.

89- Cut Off Point

Poem Number 89
Cut Off Point
Farewell then, dear toenails
My oldest of friends
You tore holes in clothes
With your raggedy ends
You gouged my achilles
And blood stained my socks
You snapped like a biscuit
When I kicked a rock
Farewell, dearest toenails
So long, it’s been swell
Now here come the clippers
To send you to Hell.

106 – Running On

Poem number 106
Running On
Running running running, thud thud thud
Running thudding footsteps down the street
Running running running, thud thud thud
Running when I’d much prefer to eat.
Running running running, thud thud thud
Running running running, thud thud
Running running running when I should be custard-bunning
Running running running, thud thud.

110 – Belt And Braces

Poem number 110
Belt And Braces
I had to wear some braces
‘Cause I couldnt find a belt,
It chafed upon my nipples
And it left a nasty welt,
So now with belt still awol
And the braces long since binned
My trousers plummet downwards
And my bum is in the wind,
I thought I’d be embarrassed
But in fact I feel quite free
With my todger swinging smugly
As I strut, for all to see.

111 – Beyond The Boobs

Poem number 111
Beyond The Boobs
Buns and baps and wobbly bits
The ladies have nice parts
But a lady who eats lots of beans
Is always prone to farts
And all the pert and lovely nips
And bottoms in the world
Can’t hide the smell of used white wine
And burgers when she hurls
So look beyond the boobies
When it’s time for you to choose –
Pick a lass who hates bakes beans
And never touches booze.