Poem number 11
Do your stuff Miss Marple
Find the killer, root them out!
Elucidate on motive
And eliminate all doubt,
Gather folk together
With the killer in their midst
Serve up some red herrings
And then cross them off the list
Before finally, The Great Reveal!
The murderer is named!
Confession, then they’re hauled away
Miss Marple wins the game!
Poem number 15
I’m off on holiday today
I’m off to get some peace
In an English country idyl
With the pigs and ducks and geese
I’ll put my past behind me
Spend a weekend on the farm
In Midsomer, what a lovely place
No chance I’ll come to harm.
Poem number 23
Tango To The Sunset
Strictly has jumped the shark
It’s at sea like Noah’s Ark
Now Forsythe has gone
And Tess hasn’t shone
The omens are really quite stark.
Len has announced that he’s quit
And really, I think that that’s it
Two or three years
Then some crocodile tears
And replaced by a show on Keep Fit.
Poem number 32
Thank You For The Opportunity, Lord Sugar
“You lost me bloody money!” The bearded dwarf was blunt,
His henchmen sat beside him in The Boardroom, at the front.
“You’re a total bloody shambles, you were useless, a disgrace
And now you sit here spouting bloody rubbish in my face,
You’ll be back here in a little while to talk me through this mess.
And YOU lot, you were lucky, but you won I must confess
So you go and have your little treat, the others will be back
And I’ll point my bloody finger and give one of them the sack!”
Poem number 250
Masterchef, oh Masterchef
Where cooks of varied hues
Experiment with scallops
Before deconstructing stews
Puddings full of chocolate
So that Gregg can stuff his cheeks
Thai with so much chilli
That Torode can hardly speak
Chopping boards and mandolins
A salamander grill
That could make a person ill
Oh Masterchef, dear Masterchef
You’re back, woohoo! Yippee!
I’m off to put my feet up,
Thank you kindly BBC!