2 – On Vegetables And Destiny

Poem number 2
On Vegetables And Destiny
I was only the Greengrocer’s bag-boy
But I knew how to dig up a spud
I could pick perfect peas
And shake fruit from the trees
Tell a good runner bean from a dud.
The village folk called me Veg Wonder
And said with my skills I’d go far
But bored with my greens
I soon split the scene
In a knackered and rusty old car.
I drove up the coastline to Norway
Where I granted my dying mum’s wish
I opened a chippy
Called Old Mr Drippy
And spent my life battering fish.


8 – Kinder Surprise

Poem number 8
Kinder Surprise
I opened up a Kinder Egg
A finger was inside
Not plastic, but a real one
From a person who had died
It smelt a bit of rotten eggs
The end was turning black
The bone was white and gleaming
And the skin was pale and slack
I felt quite disappointed
I’d expected something fun
But this finger wasn’t pleasant
Now its pointing days were done
So I took it to the bathroom
And I flushed it down the loo
And I’ll be writing off to Kinder
For a refund, PDQ!

16 – Avocado Aversion

Poem number 16
Avocado Aversion
I don’t buy avocados
There’s very little point
They take too long to ripen
And they’re sure to disappoint
The stone is far too massive
And removing it’s a sod
The skin is quite unpleasant
And the flesh tastes slightly odd
So keep your avocados
They’re disgusting, hard to chew
Prunes are much more tasty
And they regulate your poo.

45 – Elfy Eating

Poem number 45
Elfy Eating
Santa won’t eat reindeer
But he’s scoffed a fair few elves
He says he’s only doing
What they like to do themselves
And that’s true, all elves are cannibals
They number less each year,
If they don’t amend their diet
Pretty soon they’ll disappear
But for now the packs of tofu
Stay unopened on the shelf,
It’s dinnertime in Lapland
And they’re tucking in to elf.

73 – Tagliatelle In My Belly

Poem number 73
Tagliatelle In My Belly
Tagliatelle in my belly
Writhing strips of wheat
Spreading round their poison
From my stomach to my feet.
Force-fed with tagliatelle
For a joke, when they’d had beers
My Crohns disease comes back to town
With blood and pain and fears.
Thanks for that, good buddies
I’m so pleased you had your fun
Now I’m going to find a gangster
And I’m going to buy a gun
See if you can giggle
When I shoot you in the knee
Bullets hurt, but so does Crohns
Tee hee hee hee hee.

81 – Eggstasy

Poem number 81
The hen has done her duty
(On that we can be firm)
Her egg is full of beauty
Though unfertilised by sperm,
The fragile shell, exquisite
There’ll be golden yolk within,
Grab it snatch it smash it
Crack it fry it and dig in!