2 – On Vegetables And Destiny

Poem number 2
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On Vegetables And Destiny
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I was only the Greengrocer’s bag-boy
But I knew how to dig up a spud
I could pick perfect peas
And shake fruit from the trees
Tell a good runner bean from a dud.
The village folk called me Veg Wonder
And said with my skills I’d go far
But bored with my greens
I soon split the scene
In a knackered and rusty old car.
I drove up the coastline to Norway
Where I granted my dying mum’s wish
I opened a chippy
Called Old Mr Drippy
And spent my life battering fish.

16 – Avocado Aversion

Poem number 16
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Avocado Aversion
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I don’t buy avocados
There’s very little point
They take too long to ripen
And they’re sure to disappoint
The stone is far too massive
And removing it’s a sod
The skin is quite unpleasant
And the flesh tastes slightly odd
So keep your avocados
They’re disgusting, hard to chew
Prunes are much more tasty
And they regulate your poo.

45 – Elfy Eating

Poem number 45
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Elfy Eating
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Santa won’t eat reindeer
But he’s scoffed a fair few elves
He says he’s only doing
What they like to do themselves
And that’s true, all elves are cannibals
They number less each year,
If they don’t amend their diet
Pretty soon they’ll disappear
But for now the packs of tofu
Stay unopened on the shelf,
It’s dinnertime in Lapland
And they’re tucking in to elf.

73 – Tagliatelle In My Belly

Poem number 73
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Tagliatelle In My Belly
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Tagliatelle in my belly
Writhing strips of wheat
Spreading round their poison
From my stomach to my feet.
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Force-fed with tagliatelle
For a joke, when they’d had beers
My Crohns disease comes back to town
With blood and pain and fears.
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Thanks for that, good buddies
I’m so pleased you had your fun
Now I’m going to find a gangster
And I’m going to buy a gun
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See if you can giggle
When I shoot you in the knee
Bullets hurt, but so does Crohns
Tee hee hee hee hee.

81 – Eggstasy

Poem number 81
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Eggstasy
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The hen has done her duty
(On that we can be firm)
Her egg is full of beauty
Though unfertilised by sperm,
The fragile shell, exquisite
There’ll be golden yolk within,
Grab it snatch it smash it
Crack it fry it and dig in!

93 – Breakfast Bollocks

Poem number 93
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Breakfast Bollocks
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Bollocks to your sausages!
Bollocks to your beans!
Bollocks to your mushrooms!
I’ll just stick with healthy greens.
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Bollocks to your buttered toast!
Bollocks to your tea!
Bollocks to black pudding!
It’s a lettuce life for me.
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Bollocks. You’ve got bacon.
Bollocks bollocks! Oh that smell!
Bollocks! You’ve got kidneys
And some gammon there as well!
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Bollocks to temptation!
Bollocks bollocks – bite my fist!
Bollocks to my weakness
How could mortal man resist?
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Bollocks! Bugger bollocks!
Bollocks bugger! Bugger that!
Bollocks to the lettuce!
Give me breakfast! Give me fat!