29 – Halloween Greetings

Poem number 29
Halloween Greetings
I saw a witch on Halloween
She waved as she whizzed past
She must have been a hundred
But she still flew very fast.
“Hello!” She called and gave a grin
“Hello!” with grin called I,
Then went inside for Newsnight
And a slice of pumpkin pie.


82 – Eh Oh Tinky Winky

Poem number 82
Eh Oh Tinky Winky
My sister pulled a Tellytubby
On a drunken night
Then suddenly got very chubby –
Something wasn’t right
So we took her to a private doc
Who only charged a tenner,
The ultrasound was quite a shock:
Quadruplets with antennae!
My sister fainted clean away
Her future ruined, lost!
Four Telly-babies on the way
At heaven knows what cost.
And for what? A slightly kinky
Half an hour of drunken sex
With a pissed up Tinky Winky
On the rebound from his ex.
So let that be a warning
To you ladies of the gin
Lest you wake one headache morning
With quadruplets hid within –
Don’t be tempted by the weenies
Of those Tellytubby boys,
Just stick to shagging Tweenies
Or, perhaps, just stick to toys.

184 – Oi ! No Vay!

Poem number 184
Oi! No Vay!
A rabbit with no ‘t’ becomes a rabbi
But I’d never let it circumcise my lads
For I’ve got a squeamish wife
And she’d give me endless strife
If the stupid bunny missed, and bit their nads.

205 – Cannibal Stew (And Matters Of Etiquette)

Poem number 205
Cannibal Stew (And Matters Of Etiquette)
Take one child, medium sized and not too bruised
Take 4 onions, 3 new potatoes and a leek
Add some stock which has been slowly, lovingly infused
With essence of orphan for at least a week
Put all your ingredients in a large stainless pan
And simmer, gently, until the meat falls off the bone
Or until the stock is the colour of an elderly man
With dysentery. Let it rest. Be patient, this dish is prone
To disintegration if you try to rush it. So wait
For at least an hour and allow the aroma to seduce you
In the manner of a courtesan. Then heap it all on a plate
And devour. Hungrily. With gusto. But close your mouth when you chew.

Manners maketh the man.

212 – Herniated Squirrel

Poem number 212
Herniated Squirrel
A squirrel with a hernia
Once tried to lift a stone
The pain was quite horrendous
And the squirrel gave a groan
He dropped the stone back down again
Then went back home to bed
Where a badger found, then ate him
And so now the squirrel’s dead.