Poem number 29
I saw a witch on Halloween
She waved as she whizzed past
She must have been a hundred
But she still flew very fast.
“Hello!” She called and gave a grin
“Hello!” with grin called I,
Then went inside for Newsnight
And a slice of pumpkin pie.
Poem number 82
Eh Oh Tinky Winky
My sister pulled a Tellytubby
On a drunken night
Then suddenly got very chubby –
Something wasn’t right
So we took her to a private doc
Who only charged a tenner,
The ultrasound was quite a shock:
Quadruplets with antennae!
My sister fainted clean away
Her future ruined, lost!
Four Telly-babies on the way
At heaven knows what cost.
And for what? A slightly kinky
Half an hour of drunken sex
With a pissed up Tinky Winky
On the rebound from his ex.
So let that be a warning
To you ladies of the gin
Lest you wake one headache morning
With quadruplets hid within –
Don’t be tempted by the weenies
Of those Tellytubby boys,
Just stick to shagging Tweenies
Or, perhaps, just stick to toys.
Poem number 91
Badger Badger Badger Badger
There once was a lady from Dublin
Who found all the badgers quite troublin’
They’d all dip their bum
In her tumbler of rum
And then fart, so her cocktail was bubblin’.
Poem number 105
Little Baby Elephant
Little Baby Elephant
Cut up into chunks
Make burgers from its inner thighs
And curry from its trunk
Eat its feet with hollandaise
Make haggis from its bowel
Lovely Baby Elephant
Much tastier than owl.
Poem number 180
There once was a man from St Kitts
Who chopped all his kittens to bits
When someone asked why
Did those cats have to die
He said fuck ’em, all kittens are shits!
Poem number 181
Kids Of Today
Put that toasted teacake down
You greedy little shit
You’ve eaten twelve already
And your trousers barely fit
You should do some sport or exercise
Or dancing – try a jig!
But first, put down that teacake
You disgusting little pig!
Poem number 184
Oi! No Vay!
A rabbit with no ‘t’ becomes a rabbi
But I’d never let it circumcise my lads
For I’ve got a squeamish wife
And she’d give me endless strife
If the stupid bunny missed, and bit their nads.
Poem number 205
Cannibal Stew (And Matters Of Etiquette)
Take one child, medium sized and not too bruised
Take 4 onions, 3 new potatoes and a leek
Add some stock which has been slowly, lovingly infused
With essence of orphan for at least a week
Put all your ingredients in a large stainless pan
And simmer, gently, until the meat falls off the bone
Or until the stock is the colour of an elderly man
With dysentery. Let it rest. Be patient, this dish is prone
To disintegration if you try to rush it. So wait
For at least an hour and allow the aroma to seduce you
In the manner of a courtesan. Then heap it all on a plate
And devour. Hungrily. With gusto. But close your mouth when you chew.
Manners maketh the man.
Poem number 212
A squirrel with a hernia
Once tried to lift a stone
The pain was quite horrendous
And the squirrel gave a groan
He dropped the stone back down again
Then went back home to bed
Where a badger found, then ate him
And so now the squirrel’s dead.
Poem number 226
There once was a gluttonous lad
Ate eggs that had gone pretty bad
They curdled inside
His insides and he died
And his mummy was awfully sad.