361 – Alternative Carol Number 4

Poem number 361
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Alternative Carol Number 4
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Once a boy called David hit me
On my nose which cut and bled
He said my t-shirt did not fit me
Then he punched me in the head
I was always meek and mild
But Jesus Christ, that boy was wild.
.
On another sad occasion
David stole my favourite shoes
I walked home through streets of cobbles
And my feet got really bruised
I was small, and pretty passive
He was mad, and kind of massive.
.
Then when we were twenty seven
We both died of dysentery
Journeyed to the gates of Heaven
Peter gazed at him and me
Gave me wings and silver bell
Sent bad David down to Hell
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So the moral of this story
Is that bad guys always lose
Especially those who punch small children
Then steal both their favourite shoes
I’ll stop now, before I bore you
Please be good, I now implore you.

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368 -Alternative Carol Number 3

Poem number 368
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Alternative Carol Number 3
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Ding dong Mary Berry’s high
Fresh hash-cakes in the oven
Ding Dong! Twinkle in her eye
Enough to feed a dozen
Paul Hollywood, is bringing homemade munchies

Ding Dong Mary wants to try
A bong with flavoured water
Paul says “Mary, we could die!
Do you think we really oughta?”
Paul Hollywood, is scared that he might whitey

Ding dong Mary says goodbye
Paul ambles to his chauffeur
Gawps in wonder at the sky
That cloud’s shaped like a sofa
Paul Hollywood, is absolutely toasted.

370 – Alternative Carol Number 1

Poem number 370
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Alternative Carol Number 1
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God rest you Merry Gentlemen
I trust you’re feeling fine
It’s Christmas and your in-laws
Have come round to drink your wine
Your psychopathic neighbour’s
Lynched your cat with garden twine
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
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God rest you Merry Womenfolk
Excitement’s on the way
A morning in the kitchen
Will define your Christmas Day
If you burn the Brussels sprouts
Your man will make you pay
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
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God rest us every one of us
May fortune hold us dear
Christmas is a nightmare
And we’re filled with aching fear
If we make it through to Boxing Day
We might just see New Year
Oh tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy.