25 -Get Off My Road!

Poem number 25
Get Off My Road!
Why’d you need a car that big
You tit, you fucking twat?
Why’d you need a car that big
You tit, just tell me that.
Why’d you need a car so big
It blocks my view ahead?
I’d like to see the traffic lights
And know if they are red
I’d like to see the roundabout
And know if it is clear,
Why’s your car so fucking big
And why’s it fucking here?
Why’d you need a car that big
On roads this fucking small?
You really are a mighty twat
You’ve really got some gall.
Why’d you need a car that big
That tall that long that fat?
Why’d you need a car that big
You tit, you fucking twat.


79 – Indicate, You Bastard

Poem number 79
Indicate, You Bastard
Indicate, you bastard
Hit the lever with your hand
The rest of us need warning
Of the turn that you’ve got planned.
Don’t simply spin the steering wheel
And pray no bugger’s there,
Indicate you bastard
Make the rest of us aware.
Indicate, you bastard
I implore you! I insist!
Indicate you bastard
Or I’ll shout, and shake my fist.

112 – Shoot The Teaboy

Poem number 112
Shoot The Teaboy
My tea has no sugar, you dolt
It’s too bland, with a taste that revolts
Correct it at once
You incredible dunce
Make some more! Make it perfect! No faults!


130 – Turdface

Poem number 130

Bugger off you rancid fart
Your face is made of dough
Your ears are shrivelled, sweaty
And I really wish you’d go
If I’d wanted life insurance
I’d have purchased it online
Not bought it off the doorstep
From a tramp who smells of wine,
Go away. Get out. Piss off
And that’s my final word –
Sell your bollocks somewhere else
You nauseating turd.


157 – Donald Trump’s A Fuckwit

Poem number 157
Donald Trump’s A Fuckwit
Donald Trump’s a fuckwit
He has but half a mind
His head is full of bullshit
Of the total fuckwit kind
He’s such a fucking fuckwit
But he’ll probably win the race
And sit there in the White House
With his stupid fuckwit face
Donald you’re a fuckwit
And you’ll always be the same
Such a fucking fuckwit
Fuckwit Donald, that’s your name.


163 – I Hate My Cat

Poem number 163
I Hate My Cat
The cat just stole my good minced beef
He nicked it out the bowl,
I’m going to kick him in the teeth
And stuff him down a hole.
Fuck the RSPCA –
He’s going to get a punch,
No bastard cat will get away
With stealing all my lunch.
He’s my cat, but now he is my foe
Our friendship’s in the past
And it’s he that struck the killer blow
My stealing my repast
So fuck off cat, and leave no trace
Fuck off and live elsewhere
Before I punch you in the face
And belt you with a chair.


169 – Litter Mug

Poem number 169
Litter Mug
The cat tray’s full of shit again
And massive clumps of wee
Some bugger’s got to clean it
And that bugger’s always me.
The neighbours feed them caviar
With full cream milk on tap
But it’s never them, just always me
That has to clean the crap.
I guess I’m just the litter mug
The neighbours have it right
They rent the cat in daytime
Then just kick it out at night.
Why pay for vets and bedding
Or to have a pet insured –
There’s no need to buy a kitty cat
When Muggins lives next door.


170 – Lashings Of Vituperation

Poem number 170
Lashings Of Vituperation
Drat and blast, you little toad
You really are an oaf
Don’t be so dashed incompetent
Just try and use your loaf
One’s really rather tempted
To remove your dashed head
Take that coffee back, you fool
And bring me tea instead!


181 – Kids Of Today

Poem number 181
Kids Of Today
Put that toasted teacake down
You greedy little shit
You’ve eaten twelve already
And your trousers barely fit
You should do some sport or exercise
Or dancing – try a jig!
But first, put down that teacake
You disgusting little pig!



185 – Motherly Love

Poem number 185
Motherly Love
Get thee to a nunnery
You’ve had too much funnery
You’ve got one in the bunnery
You dirty little minx
You lost your little headery
And took that boy to bedery
And now I’m filled withdreadery
And needing several drinks.
I’d send you to the pillory
You’ve put me through the millory
I’ve really had my fillory
Your timing really stinks.
But nevermind that nunnery
I guess what’s done is donery
I’ll help you raise your sonnery
I love you, little minx.