33 – The Inevitable Is Inevitable

Poem number 33
The Inevitable Is Inevitable
The inevitable is inevitable
That’s why it’s called the inevitable.
It’s going to happen, and you can’t stop it.
You can rail against it
Fight against it
Throw your toys out of the pram
But in the end it will happen.
Because it’s inevitable
And in the end it will happen.
So throw those toys, if you must
Fight against it, if you must
Rail against it, if you must
But it’s going to happen, and you can’t stop it
That’s why it’s called the inevitable.
The inevitable is inevitable.


40 – Life Begins At 40

Poem number 40
Life Begins At 40
Life begins at 40
And ends at 84
44 between the pair
And not a moment more
44 is all you get
So savour every 1
Make the most and seize the day
‘Cause when you’re done you’re done.

62 – The Graceful Art Of Dismounting

Poem number 62
The Graceful Art Of Dismounting
Climb down from your high horse, sir
There’s nothing good see
From up there on your mountain
When you’re staring down at me.
Climb down from your high horse, sir
Get rid of your disdain
It’s cold up on the mountain
And it’s quite inclined to rain.
Climb down from your high horse, sir
Step gracefully to earth
Show the world your better side
And prove to us your worth.


67 – Egghead

Poem number 67
It doesn’t take an Egghead
To construct this simple thought:
If you think you killed a mugger
But you never did get caught
Then for Christ sake keep your mouth shut
When you’re decades down the track –
Don’t write a signed confession
With your picture on the back.
If you must autobiographise
Then don’t include the killing
Or the police will write a warrant
And your name will have top billing,
It’s not genius, or rocket flight
It’s simple common sense –
You may well be an Egghead
But you must be bloody dense!


90 – Road Rage

Poem number 90
Road Rage

The sun was very very bright
It made me squint and gurn
I didn’t see the taxi
As it stopped to make a turn.
Crash! I hit his bumper
It fell off, and broke in two
The driver came and punched me
‘Til my face was black and blue.
He went to jail for ABH
And that’s the story done
Except to say be sure to wear
Dark glasses in the sun.
If you don’t you may get blinded
And then hit the car in front
And end up being assaulted
By a total utter cunt.


111 – Beyond The Boobs

Poem number 111
Beyond The Boobs
Buns and baps and wobbly bits
The ladies have nice parts
But a lady who eats lots of beans
Is always prone to farts
And all the pert and lovely nips
And bottoms in the world
Can’t hide the smell of used white wine
And burgers when she hurls
So look beyond the boobies
When it’s time for you to choose –
Pick a lass who hates bakes beans
And never touches booze.


125 – Spot The Danger

Poem number 125
Spot The Danger
A pimple on your forehead
Isn’t cause to feel alarm
But a pimple on your genitals
Could bring with it some harm
So if you see a pimple
On the bits that you keep hid
For Christ’s sake see a doctor –
You’ll be very glad you did!


128 – Duplicity

Poem number 128
Examine the crystalline beauty of the raindrop
Magnificent in its simplistic individuality
And a bugger if it hits you in the eye.
Consider the scarlet mnemonic which is the holly berry
Christmas condensed into a perfect sphere
And poisonous on the tongue.
Nature is a femme fatale. Her dangers clothed in scent and mirrors
She stalks in beauty like the night, two faced
So wear gloves when you prune the roses.


133 – Dear Teenagers Outside McDonalds

Poem number 133
Dear Teenagers Outside McDonalds
Put your rubbish in the bin
That’s what the bin is for,
Put your rubbish in the bin
Don’t chuck it on the floor,
Put your rubbish in the bin
Don’t feed the plague of rats,
Put your rubbish in the bin
You anti-social twats.


142 – Dear Boy Racer

Poem number 142
Dear Boy Racer
A go faster engine’s the thing that you need
If you want to get somewhere more quick,
Go faster stripes won’t help with your speed
They just make you look like a dick.