1 – The Very Last Poem

Poem number 1
The Very Last Poem
This is the very last poem
I’ve got to the end of the road
For better or worse
There’ll be no more verse
When I’ve got to the end of this ode.
This is the very last poem
I’ve run out of meter and rhyme
The cupboard is bare
No haikus in there
Just silence, to last for all time.
This is the very last poem,
I’ll leave with a thought if I may:
There’s magic in words
So if life gives you turds
Just read, and the shit goes away.


2 – On Vegetables And Destiny

Poem number 2
On Vegetables And Destiny
I was only the Greengrocer’s bag-boy
But I knew how to dig up a spud
I could pick perfect peas
And shake fruit from the trees
Tell a good runner bean from a dud.
The village folk called me Veg Wonder
And said with my skills I’d go far
But bored with my greens
I soon split the scene
In a knackered and rusty old car.
I drove up the coastline to Norway
Where I granted my dying mum’s wish
I opened a chippy
Called Old Mr Drippy
And spent my life battering fish.

6 – DPRK

Poem number 6
He was a little portly chap
His uniform was brown
He liked to line up relatives
And gently gun them down
He liked to act the superman,
Hole drives right off the tee
He liked to punish miscreants
With death by RPG.
He was a little portly chap
His cap perched on his head
The world will be much better
When the little bastard’s dead.

8 – Kinder Surprise

Poem number 8
Kinder Surprise
I opened up a Kinder Egg
A finger was inside
Not plastic, but a real one
From a person who had died
It smelt a bit of rotten eggs
The end was turning black
The bone was white and gleaming
And the skin was pale and slack
I felt quite disappointed
I’d expected something fun
But this finger wasn’t pleasant
Now its pointing days were done
So I took it to the bathroom
And I flushed it down the loo
And I’ll be writing off to Kinder
For a refund, PDQ!