212 – Herniated Squirrel

Poem number 212
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Herniated Squirrel
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A squirrel with a hernia
Once tried to lift a stone
The pain was quite horrendous
And the squirrel gave a groan
He dropped the stone back down again
Then went back home to bed
Where a badger found, then ate him
And so now the squirrel’s dead.

213 – Essay Question

Poem number 213
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Essay Notes
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Hitler was a Nazi
But he had a softer side
He had a dog called Blondie
And he fed her cyanide
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He killed her so the Russians
That were storming through Berlin
Couldn’t fill her up with bullets
Like they’d done to Gunga Din
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So there’s your A+ answer
When your Hitler essay’s due –
He was kind to little animals
But killed a lot of Jews.

214 – Beyond Tatooine

Poem number 214
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Beyond Tatooine
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Two deaths beneath two mid-day suns
Two skeletons left charred
The smoke obscures the homestead
Luke is devastated, scarred
He vows to fight the Empire
Be a Jedi, be a man
Sells his speeder, hires a ship
Flies off to Alderaan.
And thus begins adventure
Legend, soaring twists of fate
New hope strikes back at darkened skies
Destiny awaits.

215 – Oi, Waiter!

Poem number 215
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Oi, Waiter!
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Don’t put your thumb in my chicken
Your nail is all dirty and black
Your skin’s flaking off
And spit from your cough
Coats the knuckle, and drips off the back.
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I’d quite like a squeaky clean chicken
Untainted by germs from your thumb
If the food makes me ill
I’ll be taking your bill
And inserting it right up your bum!

216 – Dear Poet

Poem number 216
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Dear Poet
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Take your head out your bottom, Dear Poet
You’re a servant of language, not more.
The words are the King, you’re merely the thing
That they come through, a simple front door.
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No need to be showy, Dear Poet
Simplicity, man, that’s the key!
When choosing adjectives be ultra selective –
Use one word and not ninety-three.
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And finally this, my Dear Poet
A writer should n’er be snob
Your skills were a gift to give others a lift
Not a reason to act like a nob.

218 – Deaf As Half A Post

Poem number 218
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Deaf As Half A Post
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I can only hear from one ear today
The right one is loaded with wax
The rest of my hygiene is tickety boo
But my ear-cleaning’s always been lax
So now half the world has gone silent
And half of the world is too loud
It’s quite disconcerting
To find your ear hurting
And feel like you’re stuck in a shroud
To top it all off now this evening
There’s ringing and sounds of the sea
I’ve tinnitus too
So no need to ask who
Are the bells for, they’re tolling for me!

219 – Stuff It

Poem number 219
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Stuff It
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I’m trying taxidermy for a hobby
It really is much harder than it seems
It’s easy to be shoddy
When you’re sewing up the body
So you need to use a ruler on the seams.
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I’m trying taxidermy for a hobby
But finding things to practice on’s a chore
I know some local vets
That do euthanising pets
So they drop the odd fresh puppy through the door.
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I’m trying taxidermy for a hobby
I use marbles as I can’t afford glass eyes
Formaldehyde’s expensive
So I’m feeling rather pensive
And I’ve lost the taste for steak and kidney pies.
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I’m stopping taxidermy as a hobby
I’ve had enough of fingering the dead
I’ve jacked the whole lot in
Thrown the corpses in the bin
And I’m doing psychotherapy instead.

220 -Dead Flies

Poem number 220
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Dead Flies
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The famous people drop like flies. Another day, another dies
Those people that we’ve never met or even spoken to and yet
We mourn their loss as if our own, another death – another groan
But is the loss we feel for they – those stars that someone took away –
Or are our tears another part of something always in our heart:
The knowledge that our time moves on, and in the end we’ll all be gone
(Nomatter just how bright the sun, it still gets doused when day is done)
So when we see the famous die it tolls the bell for you and I
Another day, another groan. We feel their loss, but mourn our own.

221 – Mystery Bus

Poem number 221
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Mystery Bus
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I was sitting on the bus
With impressive lack of fuss
When I looked down from the window and I saw
A lady with two noses
And an eyeball made of roses
Nailing little baby squirrels to a door.
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I thought “But what’s she doing?”
And then “Why’s that squirrel pooing?”
As the faeces dribbled brownly to the ground,
But then the bus moved on
And the whole shebang was gone
With the cause of the shenanigans not found.