438 – No More Mr Spice Guy

Poem Number 338

.

No More Mr Spice Guy

.

I live above a takeaway

The smell seeps through the door

I used to like a curry

I don’t eat them any more

.

I’ve washed and scrubbed for hours

But the smell won’t disappear

The curtains stink of balti

And the rugs of sag ponir

.

My nose is always tingling

From the cumin in the air

A turmeric aroma

Is embedded in my hair

.

My friends no longer visit

And at work they sit downwind

They’ve banned me from the deli

So I have to eat from tins

.

My girlfriend upped and left me

‘Cause she couldn’t stand the stink

Of tandoori in the bedroom

And pasanda from the sink

.

It didn’t used to be this way

When first I bought the flat

The downstairs was a sex shop

And a quiet one at that

.

There was no smell or odour

From the men in dirty macs

Who wandered round ‘just looking’

At the dildos on the racks

.

Their stock was clean not smelly

So my flat remained pristine

And they always shut by ten o’clock

So night-time was serene

.

Not like evenings now, of course

The take-out’s open late

And the customers are rowdy

So my sleeping isn’t great

.

I’ve tried to sell the premises,

Bring matters to a close,

But I couldn’t find a buyer

That was born without a nose

.

So I’ve realised, with a heavy heart

There’s just one way to win:

I’ve bought two tonnes of Semtex

And a detonator pin

.

I set the plastique round my walls

Then took the pin downstairs

And hid it in their telephone

Whilst they were unawares

.

And now I sit here dialling

From my Semtex ridden flat:

Pretty soon they’ll answer and…

Kaboom! That will be that!

.

No more stench of cumin

In the air and on my lips

At last the nightmare’s over

And they’ve had their curried chips

.

So bye bye dear masala

The battle went to you,

But I will win the war at last

You’ve met your vindaloo!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s